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Rethinking Empathy: Why Self-Awareness Is the Real Leadership Superpower

• Sahar the AI Whisperer | Neuroscience Expert in AI and Leadership • Season 2 • Episode 16

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 In this Forbes Edition of AI Café Conversations, Sahar Andrade rethinks empathy in leadership. 

Using neuroscience and leadership insights, she explains why self-awareness is the real superpower behind trust, clarity, and performance. Learn how executives, HR professionals, and coaches can strengthen empathy through self-awareness, supported by AI coaching tools for executives that reveal blind spots and create genuine human connection. 

This episode is designed for executives, HR professionals, and coaches who see the urgency of AI adoption but want it to align with human connection, not replace it.

Email me at sahar@saharconsulting.com with questions or topic suggestions for future episodes.

 My book "The Coach's Brain Meets AI" is available on Amazon, and I'll send extra guides if you email me after purchasing. Follow me on LinkedIn (Sahar Andrade) and Instagram (Sahar the Reinvent Coach). 

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Speaker 1:

Hello, hello, hello and welcome back to AI Cafe Conversations, where neuroscience meets AI for executives. I am Sahar Enradi, your AI whisperer. I am also a Forbes Coach Council council official member and an executive coach. Today, I want to challenge the way we talk about empathy in leadership. This is our extra episode. This is the extra flavor of coffee that I started putting for you on Fridays.

Speaker 1:

This is not our usual Wednesday regular podcast that we have, so I just thought maybe a shot of espresso would be nice on this Friday before going on the weekend. Anyhow, everyone praises empathy as a superpower, including myself, but the truth is, without self-awareness, empathy collapses and you look at me like are you crazy? Actually, no, and I'm going to tell you why I'm going to take you in this episode we will explore the neuroscience of empathy and self-awareness. Tools for executives can help mirror back the truth. They can't always see, because the real leadership superpower isn't just feeling for others and be a sponge and just absorb all that pain and anxiety and stress and become burned out. But it all depends on step number one, which is first knowing yourself, and we're going to talk about self-awareness today.

Speaker 2:

Welcome to the Deep Dive. We're here to cut through the noise and get you really informed on topics that matter. Okay, imagine this scenario. You're a leader, you've heard it constantly, right, empathy is the key. Maybe you've even done the training, taken this scenario You're a leader, you've heard it constantly. Right, empathy is the key. Maybe you've even done the training, taken the notes. But what if? What if that traditional empathy training is actually well making things tougher?

Speaker 2:

for you for your team, not better. Today we were diving deep into a really fascinating piece from Forbes. It's by Sahar Andrade, called Rethinking Empathy Neuroscience of Self-Aware Leadership. It challenges some really common ideas. It offers this science-backed look at what truly drives impactful leadership. We're going to dig into why just focusing on empathy might backfire and what the neuroscience actually suggests is a more effective way forward.

Speaker 3:

Exactly, and our mission here really is to unpack that neuroscience you know, the stuff behind emotional intelligence and trutially to draw a line between empathy and compassion they're not the same thing and ultimately we want to reveal this leadership superpower that often just gets missed. It's all about self-awareness and emotional regulation. So, yeah, get ready to maybe question some things you thought you knew, get some practical tools and figure out what leading with real presence actually looks like.

Speaker 2:

Okay. So this brings us straight to what the article calls the empathy training paradox. Sahar Andrade shares this well, pretty stark story from one of her sessions. She asks a room of leaders, okay, who's had empathy training? 37 hands go up, lots of people. But then she asks all right, what's the first cornerstone of emotional intelligence? And crickets silence, not one hand. These are experienced execs, right, but with all that training they couldn't name the absolute foundation self-awareness.

Speaker 3:

Yeah and that's where the author uses that really powerful analogy that we've been training leaders to be emotional lifeguards who can't swim. It just hits the nail on the head, doesn't it, trying to rescue others from tricky emotional waters when you're well flailing yourself, not grounded. It's this fundamental problem like trying to pour from an empty cup, you can't give what you don't have.

Speaker 2:

Essentially, that lifeguards who can't swim idea Wow, it really sticks with you. But what's happening inside our heads biologically that makes us so prone to soaking up other people's feelings even when we're trying to be helpful? The article talks about something called the mirror neuron trap. What's that about?

Speaker 3:

Right, so we have these fascinating brain cells, mirror neurons. They don't just fire when we do something, they fire when we see someone else do it, or even when we see them feel an emotion. Now, this was super important for our ancestors, you know, quickly sensing danger or bonding within the group. But here's the catch for leaders today Without good self-regulation, these mirror neurons become, like the article says, a mirror trap. Instead of just observing or understanding, you start reflecting every single anxiety, every stress, right into your own limbic system. That's your brain's emotional center, the part dealing with feelings, survival.

Speaker 2:

And this isn't just a theory, is it? The article gives a pretty vivid example. This VP, Sarah, she took all the empathy training to heart, felt everything they feel and ended up having panic attacks. She couldn't switch it off, Became an emotional sponge, as the article puts it. So if you're absorbing stress like that, what does it physically do to you, to your brain, your body?

Speaker 3:

Ah yeah, that leads straight into what's called the cortisol catastrophe. When you soak up other people's stress, your body's stress response system the HPA axis it doesn't really know the difference between your crisis and theirs. It just floods your system with cortisol. And the article calls cortisol your brains worst enemy for good reason too. It's kind of like imagine someone slamming the brakes on your car while you're hitting the gas. You're trying to be apathetic, trying to connect, but your brain is basically caught in this physiological gridlock okay.

Speaker 2:

So if cortisol is literally slamming the brakes on our thinking, what are the real lasting effects? How does it impact a leader's ability to make good decisions? Show real empathy when they're constantly dealing with this cortisol flood.

Speaker 3:

Well, the long-term effects are pretty significant. Chronic cortisol it actually shrinks your prefrontal cortex. Think of that as your brain's CEO planning, decision-making, genuine empathy. That gets smaller and meanwhile it actually beefs up your amygdala. That's like the brain's alarm system. So you become hypersensitive, constantly scanning for threats for the next crisis. You basically get stuck in this loop always on edge, always reacting instead of you know thoughtfully responding.

Speaker 2:

Wow. So if absorbing stress leaves us so well depleted and reactive, it makes you wonder are we even thinking about empathy the right way? The article mentions research from the Max Planck Society drawing this really sharp line between empathy and something else compassion. It defines empathy as feeling what others feel, like we just talked about. That can activate your own pain networks. It leads to empathic distress. The article puts it pretty bluntly Empathy in this sense can create two victims that whole I feel your pain thing.

Speaker 3:

Exactly. And that's where compassion is so different that Max Planck research it showed compassion lights up completely different brain areas, networks linked to care, positive feelings, motivation to help. So instead of distress into victims, compassion gives you this drive to find a solution. Compassion is more like I see your pain and I want to help, not I feel your pain. So yeah, the article is clear one drains you, potentially creates two victims. The other one it creates a solution, it empowers constructive action and that distinction feels really important.

Speaker 2:

So how, how does a leader, maybe intense moment, make that shift, go from the draining? I feel your pain to the more constructive. I see your pain and I'm here.

Speaker 3:

Well, that ties right into another key idea that often gets missed in leadership training Interoceptive intelligence. It sounds fancy, but it's basically sensing what's going on inside your own body. You know your heart rate, your breathing, that knot in your shoulders. These aren't just physical things. The article calls them emotional data streams. Your vagus nerve, for example, is constantly sending messages between your brain and body, affecting your heart rate, how you engage socially.

Speaker 2:

Okay, emotional data streams, I like that, but how tuned in are most leaders to this internal data, and what happens if they're just not listening?

Speaker 3:

Honestly, most leaders aren't very tuned in at all, and that's a problem, because if you lack that interoceptive awareness, you can't really tell the difference between your own emotional state and what's coming from your team. And when you're unaware, as the article says, your biology drives your behavior unconsciously. You might think you're responding to the situation out there, but actually you're reacting from your own internal state, which you haven't even acknowledged.

Speaker 2:

That unconscious biology driving things. Yeah, that sounds like a perfect setup for being inauthentic, doesn't it?

Speaker 3:

The article talks about this artificial harmony problem, especially with Gen Z being quick to spot fakeness. How does that corporate emotional theater actually harm a team?

Speaker 2:

Oh, it's incredibly damaging. People and yeah, especially younger generations have sharp BS detectors. If a leader is just mirroring emotions, trying to look empathetic, but isn't genuinely regulated inside, it creates this feeling the author calls corporate emotional theater that nobody believes. It's like that other analogy a drowning person trying to save another drowning person. There's this mismatch between what they're projecting and what's really going on internally. People sense that misalignment and it just erodes trust. Okay, so if just being empathetic can backfire and being tuned into our own body's interoception is so vital, what's the actual path forward? The article really pushes for the self-awareness solution. But you know, for a lot of busy leaders focusing inward feels well selfish Executives might push back right, thinking my job is to put my people first. But the article flips that, saying taking care of yourself is putting people first. How does that work? It sounds contradictory.

Speaker 3:

It sounds contradictory, but it makes perfect sense biologically. You simply cannot give what you don't possess. When you, as a leader, are grounded, regulated, you're actually able to serve your team effectively. You shift from being, you know, one crisis away from breaking to being genuinely ready, willing and able. And the neuroscience backs this up strongly. Research shows when a leader gets their heart rhythm into a coherent state, balanced, steady, their whole nervous system syncs up and that coherent state it's contagious. Teams literally unconsciously entrain to their leader's regulated rhythm. It's fascinating.

Speaker 2:

Contagious coherence. That's a powerful image, but still that idea of prioritizing self-awareness it can feel like a hurdle, like it's taking time away from the team. How do we get past that ingrained perception?

Speaker 3:

It really requires a fundamental mindset shift. We need to stop seeing emotional regulation as some kind of soft skill luxury and start seeing it as the core leadership competency. It as the core leadership competency. The biggest pushback the author mentions is exactly that. I don't have time for self-reflection. You can picture it right that startup founder running on his fourth espresso insisting it's a luxury they just can't afford.

Speaker 2:

Yeah, I can picture that. So what's the actual cost of that no time attitude?

Speaker 3:

Well, the article delivers a pretty stark warning there. It says this mindset is what makes everything harder. Sure that constant adrenaline might feel productive for a while, but burnout is almost inevitable. The analogy used is intense. It's like pouring kerosene on the floor and lighting a match. Those burning flames make the room brighter at first, but total destruction follows. You're essentially sacrificing long-term sustainability your own and your team's for short-term intensity.

Speaker 2:

Yikes, okay, that's a sobering thought. So what's a realistic first step, Something practical to break that cycle? The article suggests a 30-second brain reset. It says before every team interaction, just take 3D breaths plus a 30-second body scan. Check your heart rate, notice tension, feel your breathing. It sounds almost too simple. What's actually happening in our brain during those 30 seconds?

Speaker 3:

It's simple but profound neurologically those deep breaths and the quick body scan. They deliberately activate your karyosympathetic nervous system, that's your body's rest and digest or calm and connect system. It directly counters the fight or flight stress response. It creates a pause, a bit of space, allowing your prefrontal cortex, your thinking brain, to come back online before you engage with others. It's about intentionally shifting your own state first.

Speaker 2:

Okay, that makes sense, shifting your state first. Another really interesting tool mentioned is the emotional granularity factor. This idea is about getting specific with your emotions, not just saying I'm stressed so instead of recognizing, okay, I'm actually frustrated with these unclear expectations, or maybe I'm feeling anxious about getting these resources. How does just naming the feeling more precisely actually help us manage it? That's the science there.

Speaker 3:

That specificity is huge when you can label your feelings with more precision, more granularity. It helps create new neural pathways Instead of the amygdala that quick trigger alarm bell just sounding a general alarm like stress, danger. Getting specific engages the prefrontal cortex more your problem solving brain. So for leaders, developing this emotional specificity allows you to identify, understand and then regulate your own response before you react or try to engage with someone else's emotions. It helps you move from just feeling overwhelmed to thinking OK, what's really going on here and what can I do?

Speaker 2:

This all sounds incredibly valuable, but maybe like a whole new skill set to learn. Can anyone actually get better at this, or are some people just born more self-aware? The article offers something called the neuroplasticity promise.

Speaker 3:

Yes, and this is so crucial. The neuroplasticity promise is basically the science saying your brain can change. It can learn new patterns, new ways of responding at any age. Research on neuroplasticity is really clear about this. When you consistently practice emotional regulation techniques like the breathing, the body scan, the specific labeling, you literally rewire your brain. Areas like the anterior cingulate cortex involved in regulation become more active. The prefrontal cortex gets stronger connections, better able to manage the amygdala's impulses. It's a real physical change but and this is key it takes deliberate practice, not generic empathy training. You have to actually do the work.

Speaker 2:

Okay, so deliberate practice can rewire our brains. This leads us to a really fundamental point. The article makes the contagion choice. Every leader is making a choice, consciously or not. What exactly are leaders broadcasting, and how does that spread through a team? Like a contagion.

Speaker 3:

You're constantly broadcasting your nervous system state, constantly. It happens through tiny things, microexpressions on your face, the tone of your voice, your posture, your body language, your team's mirror neurons. They pick up on these signals, often completely unconsciously. It's this deep biological resonance happening all the time. So when you show up regulated, calm, centered, you essentially give everyone else permission to regulate too. You create a calmer environment. But the flip side is also true. If you show up anxious, stressed, reactive, you inadvertently teach your team that that's the appropriate response to pressure. You spread dysregulation.

Speaker 2:

That's huge. Yeah, it really reframes leadership impact, doesn't it? Which brings us to the article's big claim Self-awareness is the real leadership superpower. It even says that when leaders stop trying so hard to be empathetic and focus instead on becoming aware and regulated, genuine empathy just emerges naturally. How did that work? How does regulation unlock empathy?

Speaker 3:

It works because a regulated nervous system actually has the capacity for genuine connection and understanding. Think about it A dysregulated system, caught up in that cortisol catastrophe with a hyperactive amygdala. It's fundamentally oriented towards survival, self-protection. Oriented towards survival, self-protection. It just doesn't have the bandwidth, the internal resources for nuanced understanding or deep connection, because it's too busy fighting its own internal fires. So when you cultivate that internal calm, that self-awareness and regulation, you create the necessary space within yourself for authentic empathy to arise, naturally, without that draining absorption we talked about earlier.

Speaker 2:

So it's moving beyond just personal well-being. Emotional regulation becomes an actual organizational strategy. Yeah, and the key question shifts right, not just how can I be more empathetic, but, as the article suggests, asking yourself what emotional state am I creating in this room right now? Why is that question so transformative?

Speaker 3:

Because it recognizes that your own nervous system is arguably the most powerful leadership tool you have. Full stop when you shift your focus from an outward how do I fix them or feel like them to an inward, what energy, what state am I bringing into this interaction? It changes everything. It moves you from potentially being that overwhelmed emotional sponge or the drowning lifeguard to being a grounded, clear, present leader who can genuinely support, guide and uplift their team. It fosters an environment where people feel safer, think clearer and can actually thrive together. That's not just better leadership. The article calls it transformation, and I think that's right.

Speaker 2:

Wow, okay, that really does reframe things. What a deep dive into something many of us thought we had figured out. The big takeaway today seems crystal clear true, effective empathy and leadership. It's not really about just absorbing what others feel. It's about cultivating your own deep self-awareness and learning to regulate your own emotional state first, like you said, you can't be a calm lifeguard if you can't swim yourself.

Speaker 3:

Precisely. And that regulated state, that internal coherence in a leader. It sends out these powerful ripples. It doesn't just impact your own focus and decisions. It fundamentally affects your team's collective state, their ability to handle challenges, their creativity, their overall well-being. So, yeah, this isn't just, you know, a nice to have personal development thing. It's actually a core strategic imperative for any organization that wants to be resilient, innovative and, frankly, human. So maybe the provocative thought to leave you with today is this what's one small, truly deliberate practice you could bring into your week? Just one thing to become more aware of your own internal state, maybe right before you walk into that next meeting or conversation, and just notice how might that single conscious moment of self-awareness ripple outwards, how might it shift the dynamic even slightly in that very next interaction you have Something to think about.

Speaker 1:

That was today's Forbes edition of AI Cafe Conversations. Remember this empathy without self-awareness is an empty gesture. Neuroscience shows us that when leaders understand their own minds, they can truly connect, inspire and transform. Whether you are an executive, an HR leader or coach, use these insights and even the right AI coaching tools to deepen your leadership, one honest reflection at a time. Thank you for listening. Share this with the leader who needs to hear it and join me next week on Wednesday for our regular, more human-centered conversations at the cafe. If you have any questions, please email me at sahar at saharconsultingcom. My website is saharconsultingcom. Show me some love, give me a like, share, subscribe and show it to someone that needs to hear it today. Till next time.